All right, I’m going to do it. I’m going to write THE BLOG that every self-respecting blogger writes at one point of time or another. I’m going to write about men, women and the chemistry in-between.
As opposed to popular opinion, meticulous empirical research has proven that men and women are not from Mars and Venus. The absurdly complex behavioural patterns exhibited during various interactions between the two have in fact led to a revolutionary new hypothesis that they are actually from the planet Pluto. For the ease of understanding, scientists have coined a single word to express the desired outcome of this highly complex mating ritual. It’s called a relationship.
Over the years I have carefully tried to analyse and understand this behavioural anomaly called ‘relationship’. I have systemically scrutinized several acquaintances that have fallen prey to this lack of judgement. Eventually, I must admit to feeling a sense of awe at the beauty and complexity of this intricate relationship and consequently a deep reluctance to corrupt it by forcing the conformity of Mars and Venus upon these naturally diverse elements. Relationships, as an independent entity outside of any broader physiological context, are at once worldly and whimsical. They are as much routed in the abstract as they are in the intellectual. Let me show you the complex thought processes that gets initiated during the formation of the relationship.
For the purpose of illustration, let me call the guy Zeelu and the girl Sweety. I will use some popular extracts to simulate a telephonic conversation between the two.
Monday night, 10 pm
Sweety: Hello?
Zeelu: (Shit, she picked up the call) Umm, hi! Is this Sweety?
Sweety: Speaking.
Zeelu: My name is Zeelu. I don't know if you remember me – I met you at that party last week, we were introduced through JKES (Fuck, what if she doesn't know who I am? I'll sound like a complete wuss. Hell, I already sound like a complete wuss. Why the hell am I doing this?)
Sweety: Oh, yeah. You work in Delhi, right?
Zeelu: Yeah. (Ok, she remembers me, that’s a fucking relief. I wonder what she was told - he's an MBA, never had any girlfriends and is working at a blue-chip firml! Man, that sounds lame. She probably hates me already!)
Sweety: Yeah, I remember. We swapped numbers.
(I can't believe he actually called! And I can’t believe I was drunk enough to give him my number)
Zeelu: So, how are you? (Oh yeah, that's real original, but what the hell else I am supposed to say- Umm, hi, I don't know you, but do you want to make out with me?)
Sweety: I'm fine. And you? (Ok, this is off to a great fucking start)
Zeelu: I'm good. (Ok, think, think!) So, I heard you're giving your GMAT this year? (Oh, that's a real winner. Now I can be a bad conversationalist and a wuss)
Sweety: Yes.
Zeelu: (Ok, she is not helping me at all!) So where are you going for training?
Sweety: Princeton.
Zeelu: Hey, that's a great place! (I sound like a complete moron. I should just hang up)
Sweety: Yeah, it's ok. (God, this guy sounds like a complete loser)
Zeelu: So... (Stall fucker stall!)
Sweety: So you're an MBA right?
(Like he didn't tell me that 500 times last week at the party.. yawn!!)
Zeelu: (Ok, I can handle this...) Yeah, though I didn’t learn much. (Alright, now say something else, but what do I say? Do you drink and have sex? Cause if you want to hang with me, you can't be one of those goody goody South Asian women who think if they kiss a guy they've practically gone all the way)
So, what do you like to do in your free time?
Sweety: (Umm... get wasted...) Oh, you know, hang out with my friends, go to movies.
Zeelu: Where do you like to hang out in Mumbai?
Sweety: (Shit, what am I supposed to say? This guy could be some geeky freak! I can't say bars - I'll say clubs, you can go to clubs and not drink...) Oh, sometimes we go to the movies, or there's a couple clubs that are good... (That was good, I made it sound like I like clubs, but I'm not really into them...)
Zeelu: (Ok, she goes to clubs, that's a good sign. If she was really desi she wouldn't do that.) Yeah? I like to dance too. (Man, I’m such an awesome liar)
Sweety: (He likes to dance- that's a good sign. He can't be that painful!) So where do you hang out in Delhi?
Zeelu: (Should I say it- alright, I'll say it, what the hell!)
Er, the same, bars, clubs, stuff like that.
Sweety: (He said bars! So he probably drinks. Good sign. I should explore this further...) So, are there any good bars in Delhi?
Zeelu: Yeah, there are some nice ones (Krishna and Chameli Bar in particular), I mean, I'm not a huge drinker, but I like spending a Friday at TGIF occasionally. (TGIF.. freakin hilarious, anyways that gives the impression of someone who enjoys drinking but is not an alcoholic - pretty good, if I do say so myself!)
Sweety: (That sounds ok. This guy seems cool. But if he's so cool why is he calling me? Shouldn't he have a girlfriend? Wait, was he completely ugly? Damn those tequila shots!) Yeah, me too. Although I hope my parents never find out.
Zeelu: Yeah. I know exactly what you mean. (I wonder how she looks without make-up)
Sweety: (Ok, so he didn't freak out at the living a double life - another good sign. I just wish I remembered what he looked like...) So...
Zeelu: (I do kinda vaguely remember seeing facial hair on her. Damn. Well, there's only one way to find out!) So, I know this sounds a little crazy, but I'm visiting some friends in Mumbai next weekend and I wonder if you'd want to get together for coffee sometime. (I am the holy fuckin lord.. I did it. I asked a girl out. Now I can die in peace)
Sweety: (Coffee. That's safe. If he's totally nasty I can have a quick espresso and run like hell!) Yeah, that sounds great.
Zeelu: (Alright I’m awesome. I wonder what she’ll wear – party dress or casuals. Well, I’m sure if she has something to show, she’ll ensure that I see it)
So I have your number, should I just call you soon and we can figure it out?
Sweety: (Hmm.. I should buy that push up bra that enhances my cleavage!) Yeah, sure, just call when you’re here (God, this is getting painful)
Zeelu: Alright, I'll call you soon. (Meaning in two days cause I don't want to look too desperate, but at the same time I don't want to look like I'm trying not to look too desperate)
Sweety: Cool. Well, I'm glad you called. (I think...)
Zeelu: Me too. Well, I'll see you soon (Lets make out, lets make out)
Sweety: Alright. Bye. (I can't believe he called! Too late to back out now. Besides, maybe he's cool. He didn't sound so bad on the phone. I really hope he's not a virgin.)
Zeelu: Bye. (I did it! I am the man. I think she wants me. Yeah, she definitely wants me..... Wait, did she have big breasts??.....)
Well, they did eventually meet and Zeelu screwed up like guys usually do. Nevertheless, he is now trying his luck with Bubbly; of course with the same spirit of creative distinctiveness that characterises this whole abnormal and abstract mating ritual. In spite of my supreme effort at taking this male-female chemistry – something normally perceived as part of life and turn it into a paradigm of its own, Zeelu remains oblivious to my logic and argument. Apparently this ‘relationship’ is a direct immersion in the world of the senses, where things are taken at face value. You don’t challenge accepted notions of what is useful, what is interesting and what is truthful? You don’t analyse relationships, you just flow with it – and that my friend- is the rather simple life of Man.
As opposed to popular opinion, meticulous empirical research has proven that men and women are not from Mars and Venus. The absurdly complex behavioural patterns exhibited during various interactions between the two have in fact led to a revolutionary new hypothesis that they are actually from the planet Pluto. For the ease of understanding, scientists have coined a single word to express the desired outcome of this highly complex mating ritual. It’s called a relationship.
Over the years I have carefully tried to analyse and understand this behavioural anomaly called ‘relationship’. I have systemically scrutinized several acquaintances that have fallen prey to this lack of judgement. Eventually, I must admit to feeling a sense of awe at the beauty and complexity of this intricate relationship and consequently a deep reluctance to corrupt it by forcing the conformity of Mars and Venus upon these naturally diverse elements. Relationships, as an independent entity outside of any broader physiological context, are at once worldly and whimsical. They are as much routed in the abstract as they are in the intellectual. Let me show you the complex thought processes that gets initiated during the formation of the relationship.
For the purpose of illustration, let me call the guy Zeelu and the girl Sweety. I will use some popular extracts to simulate a telephonic conversation between the two.
Monday night, 10 pm
Sweety: Hello?
Zeelu: (Shit, she picked up the call) Umm, hi! Is this Sweety?
Sweety: Speaking.
Zeelu: My name is Zeelu. I don't know if you remember me – I met you at that party last week, we were introduced through JKES (Fuck, what if she doesn't know who I am? I'll sound like a complete wuss. Hell, I already sound like a complete wuss. Why the hell am I doing this?)
Sweety: Oh, yeah. You work in Delhi, right?
Zeelu: Yeah. (Ok, she remembers me, that’s a fucking relief. I wonder what she was told - he's an MBA, never had any girlfriends and is working at a blue-chip firml! Man, that sounds lame. She probably hates me already!)
Sweety: Yeah, I remember. We swapped numbers.
(I can't believe he actually called! And I can’t believe I was drunk enough to give him my number)
Zeelu: So, how are you? (Oh yeah, that's real original, but what the hell else I am supposed to say- Umm, hi, I don't know you, but do you want to make out with me?)
Sweety: I'm fine. And you? (Ok, this is off to a great fucking start)
Zeelu: I'm good. (Ok, think, think!) So, I heard you're giving your GMAT this year? (Oh, that's a real winner. Now I can be a bad conversationalist and a wuss)
Sweety: Yes.
Zeelu: (Ok, she is not helping me at all!) So where are you going for training?
Sweety: Princeton.
Zeelu: Hey, that's a great place! (I sound like a complete moron. I should just hang up)
Sweety: Yeah, it's ok. (God, this guy sounds like a complete loser)
Zeelu: So... (Stall fucker stall!)
Sweety: So you're an MBA right?
(Like he didn't tell me that 500 times last week at the party.. yawn!!)
Zeelu: (Ok, I can handle this...) Yeah, though I didn’t learn much. (Alright, now say something else, but what do I say? Do you drink and have sex? Cause if you want to hang with me, you can't be one of those goody goody South Asian women who think if they kiss a guy they've practically gone all the way)
So, what do you like to do in your free time?
Sweety: (Umm... get wasted...) Oh, you know, hang out with my friends, go to movies.
Zeelu: Where do you like to hang out in Mumbai?
Sweety: (Shit, what am I supposed to say? This guy could be some geeky freak! I can't say bars - I'll say clubs, you can go to clubs and not drink...) Oh, sometimes we go to the movies, or there's a couple clubs that are good... (That was good, I made it sound like I like clubs, but I'm not really into them...)
Zeelu: (Ok, she goes to clubs, that's a good sign. If she was really desi she wouldn't do that.) Yeah? I like to dance too. (Man, I’m such an awesome liar)
Sweety: (He likes to dance- that's a good sign. He can't be that painful!) So where do you hang out in Delhi?
Zeelu: (Should I say it- alright, I'll say it, what the hell!)
Er, the same, bars, clubs, stuff like that.
Sweety: (He said bars! So he probably drinks. Good sign. I should explore this further...) So, are there any good bars in Delhi?
Zeelu: Yeah, there are some nice ones (Krishna and Chameli Bar in particular), I mean, I'm not a huge drinker, but I like spending a Friday at TGIF occasionally. (TGIF.. freakin hilarious, anyways that gives the impression of someone who enjoys drinking but is not an alcoholic - pretty good, if I do say so myself!)
Sweety: (That sounds ok. This guy seems cool. But if he's so cool why is he calling me? Shouldn't he have a girlfriend? Wait, was he completely ugly? Damn those tequila shots!) Yeah, me too. Although I hope my parents never find out.
Zeelu: Yeah. I know exactly what you mean. (I wonder how she looks without make-up)
Sweety: (Ok, so he didn't freak out at the living a double life - another good sign. I just wish I remembered what he looked like...) So...
Zeelu: (I do kinda vaguely remember seeing facial hair on her. Damn. Well, there's only one way to find out!) So, I know this sounds a little crazy, but I'm visiting some friends in Mumbai next weekend and I wonder if you'd want to get together for coffee sometime. (I am the holy fuckin lord.. I did it. I asked a girl out. Now I can die in peace)
Sweety: (Coffee. That's safe. If he's totally nasty I can have a quick espresso and run like hell!) Yeah, that sounds great.
Zeelu: (Alright I’m awesome. I wonder what she’ll wear – party dress or casuals. Well, I’m sure if she has something to show, she’ll ensure that I see it)
So I have your number, should I just call you soon and we can figure it out?
Sweety: (Hmm.. I should buy that push up bra that enhances my cleavage!) Yeah, sure, just call when you’re here (God, this is getting painful)
Zeelu: Alright, I'll call you soon. (Meaning in two days cause I don't want to look too desperate, but at the same time I don't want to look like I'm trying not to look too desperate)
Sweety: Cool. Well, I'm glad you called. (I think...)
Zeelu: Me too. Well, I'll see you soon (Lets make out, lets make out)
Sweety: Alright. Bye. (I can't believe he called! Too late to back out now. Besides, maybe he's cool. He didn't sound so bad on the phone. I really hope he's not a virgin.)
Zeelu: Bye. (I did it! I am the man. I think she wants me. Yeah, she definitely wants me..... Wait, did she have big breasts??.....)
Well, they did eventually meet and Zeelu screwed up like guys usually do. Nevertheless, he is now trying his luck with Bubbly; of course with the same spirit of creative distinctiveness that characterises this whole abnormal and abstract mating ritual. In spite of my supreme effort at taking this male-female chemistry – something normally perceived as part of life and turn it into a paradigm of its own, Zeelu remains oblivious to my logic and argument. Apparently this ‘relationship’ is a direct immersion in the world of the senses, where things are taken at face value. You don’t challenge accepted notions of what is useful, what is interesting and what is truthful? You don’t analyse relationships, you just flow with it – and that my friend- is the rather simple life of Man.
you need a girl friend
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