Valentine’s Day. One final blog. One Last Stand.
This is my last blog. How symbolic that it ends on Valentine’s day. I contemplated writing an anti-Valentine blog, but that wouldn't be fun, would it? This is the story of Ralf’s first love, Jane. A love he would never forget, but has to learn to live without.
To Jane,
Uh. Okay. Where do I begin? I wish I’d had the courage to tell you how I felt, but there’s a reason I’m a writer and not.. well.. something more noble.
You see, I’ve come to believe that there is no such thing as ‘fair’. If life was fair, I wouldn’t be writing this letter. If life was fair, you’d return my ardour. If life was fair, this story wouldn’t end with a tear. It is a bit cynical. But I guess when you look at the way my life has turned out so far, it’s about the only way you can look at it.
It is ten minutes past midnight on Saturday, 13th February, 2010. It’s 24 hours to Valentine’s Day and I don’t feel much like being anybody’s Valentine. But, odd as it may seem, I find myself wanting to talk to you. I remember the way your hair would fall across your face. I remember you pushing those locks of hair from across your eyes. I remember asking you why you kept doing it and you told me that you had to get my attention. Where could my head have been, that I wasn’t paying attention to you? As they say, youth is often wasted on the wrong people.
I hate knowing that you like someone else. But there is nothing I can do about it and I’ve come to accept that. Everyone tells me to pick up and move on, ‘Don’t dwell on the past”, they say. And that makes me smile. Like I would ever want to forget you.
My name is Ralf. And this is the story of how I fell in love with you.
I remember the first time you walked into office. Love at first sight?? Probably not. But you certainly took my breath away. In retrospect, you’re probably the only reason I kept working as long as I did. After all, the more time I spent at work, meant more time spent with you. I admit I wasn’t the smoothest, but hey, being around you wasn’t easy. In my heart I guess I realized that you were way beyond my league. But I couldn’t help but be foolish enough to hope.. to think.. let’s fall in love. It was silly, really. Impossible. You? Interested in me? Like life wasn’t complex enough already. And you know the funny part, they say that when you have the girl, you don’t have the money and when you have the money, you don’t have the girl. Well, as fate decrees, in my case I had the girl and the money, at the right time and the right place, just that I didn’t realize it back then.
I guess sometimes you have to lose something to appreciate you ever had it in the first place. Moving away from you, to a different city was the most stupid choice I ever made. Do you remember the day Jane, it was a cold Friday evening, and I was sitting alone in my tiny apartment, feeling blue, when the doorbell rang. And there you were standing outside, with cookies in your hand, as radiant as the first day I met you. I think that’s when you had me, Jane. All of me.
I had to make a decision Jane. One that would eventually answer if I spent the rest of my life with you. What I didn’t know then, was that the decision was never mine to make.
There isn’t a day that passes by when I don’t regret not having seized that moment. After all, what’s the worst that could’ve happened? But I guess I did get intimidated. You were always going to be the centre of attention, and I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about that. So I did what I always do when faced with a personal problem. I ran away. And I missed all the clues, didn’t I? The gradual reduction of phone calls, the delay in responding to messages, the frequent night outs with your friends. You moved on, and I was too slow to follow. And, as stupid as it may sound, there were times when I came this close to telling you, but all I could think of was what you, Jane, would think of me for betraying our friendship.. and whether you would ever speak to me again if you knew how I felt about you. And I couldn’t imagine not speaking to you again. Sometimes I do realize that God has a sense of humour, and unfortunate as it is, the joke’s on me.
I can’t imagine what’s going on in your head right now, but just the fact that you’re reading this means I never mustered the courage to tell you how I feel and for that I am so sorry. Sorry for falling in love, sorry for not telling you, sorry for telling this to you now when it’s too late. All I ever wanted was for us to be together and have kids and buy that little house with the small garden. It breaks my heart to think that I got cheated out of all the tiny joys that other people take for granted. But even if we are separated, I keep telling myself that the most terrible things happen for the best of reasons. And somewhere deep within my heart, I know that no matter what the future holds, you and I will be together again one day.
always and forever,
Ralf
